motherhood

I can barely hang onto a solid thought these days. The demands of family and the demands of work have me stretched beyond capacity. I desperately try to rein it in. I start a hundred posts for this space in my head each day, posts which drown in the eddies of my brain. I want so desperately to write. To save our stories for the days when I will no longer remember them, or no longer be able to share them. But the stories are getting muddled in the day to day effort of survival.

I am starting to see spaces of time that are mine and mine alone and I mean to fill them with written words, painted pictures, photographs, knitted comforts, yoga, long walks and book after book. But I find myself guilted into folding another load of laundry, running another errand, tidying another bedroom. Self-induced guilt can be a powerful motivator.

And still, I am seeing beautiful in my life in so many ways. A beautiful note, clean babies (who aren't really babies anymore), a fresh loaf of bread, clean sheets, temperatures that are creeping towards the melting line, uninterrupted conversation with my favourite person, a little bitty red computer that holds my words and keeps my thoughts, ballerinas, thoughts of a new nephew, dreams of the Louvre, a song that I shazamed (that's a verb, right?) and giggled to discover was a new Ryan Adams (of course), Despicable Me, my favourite new album (which isn't so new), an ever so perfect wedding dress on my beautiful (soon to be) sister in law, and my (almost always) happy children. I have been blessed with the sight of the beauty around me.

I dream of Paris, of Barcelona, of home spun music, of a finished novel, of waking naturally, of downward facing dog and a child's pose. I think of walking through forests and up mountains and along rivers. I dream of the warmth of summer. I think of my bike locked in the shed, almost made inaccessible by the piles of snow which are hanging on and on and on. I dream of flying down the road, miles behind me, miles ahead.

My youngest wants to be a mom, she says so all the time. I mean to be flattered by her ambition, it's what I am, it's what I do. But somehow I want her to see all that she will give up to be a mom without letting her think I have regrets. I don't. I imagine I might have been a wiser parent if I had been older. I may have had more adventures with less guilt about the time I spend away from them in my dreams. But I don't have regret. For they are each beautiful, perfect, whole people and I am so lucky to call them mine.

Wedding Full

I can't help it: I love weddings. What's not to love? Love, love and more love. A couple's love for one other, shared with all the people that are important in their lives. Kissing and dancing. Sometimes singing and poetry. Parents proud that their children have grown into such amazing people and that they have partnered with another amazing and interesting person. Smiles, flowers and mmmmmm, CAKE!

And I married Steve, who loves weddings, quite possibly even more than I do. Who is infected with the love in the room. Who wants to dance and sing his life away. Who is fun to the core. And we had babies, who've turned into perfect young people, and who we've discovered love weddings as much as we do.

I'm not a particularly private person. I believe that what makes the world work is sharing. Sharing our lives, our hopes, our dreams. Crying together and smiling together and sharing our love together. That's what makes weddings so darn magical.

When Steve and I were planning to wed, we had many conversations. Conversations that involved planning, for our wedding and more importantly planning for our lives together. In the beginning, I felt the big wedding unnecessary. That what we shared so strongly was between us and that it didn't matter, wasn't important to the outside world. I suggested a wedding with only our parents. But Steve couldn't imagine getting married without his brother, and his grandparents, and slowly it grew. Grew to include all of the people who we felt touched by in our lives and who touched our parents and made them strong. A wedding was born. I have no regrets. Alright, maybe just one: I wish I had searched harder and really found my dream dress instead of settling for that which fit and which was affordable. (The side story is short: I bought it through the Bargain Finder. My criteria were simple, I couldn't afford a lot of alterations, and the dress had to come from a couple who were still together, a couple willing to part with a dress because it was not the marriage, just a dress, when I found just that, I didn't hesitate. I wish now I had even considered my mom's dress more seriously, the dress that my grandmother made her. That's enough side story).

Now marriage, that's a little more private. It doesn't need to be on display for everyone to share in. Though it does give us strength, it does make us the people that we are and it allows us to reach outside and spread more love around. It's details do not need to be shared. Except to say that what is perceived from that outside is not necessarily what is happening on the inside. That judgement should be reserved. And even then some of our stories, they need to be shared, to give people hope, to give people reassurance, and to keep one another from the loneliness that could so easily haunt us.

We were so lucky to share in a wedding this past weekend. One that was FULL, full to the brim with love and magic and sharing. Thank you N & K, for sharing it with us all and for lifting us up with your happiness, your hopes, your dreams and your love.

3.8 Million

Not quite a top ten list. I heard on the news last night that thirteen clerical staff for ATB won the Lotto649 on Wednesday night which was in excess of $49 million. Which means that ATB is going to be scrambling for new employees, so if you're looking for a job....

It also means that each person involved in that lotto pool is now $3.8 million richer than they were on Tuesday. It is fun to think what one might do with all that cash at the ready. Here's what I would do:

1. Hire a lawyer before claiming my winning ticket. You know, to spread the wealth, make sure that he gets his share. Also to help me set up some sort of trust fund for our children. I think it would be safe to say that I would put aside $250K for each child. Seed money that they can have when they are 25 years old to start a business or to buy a house. After they are done university and have figured out who they are and what they want from life.

2. Contact our trusty insurance agent. Now is the time to buy more. Top up disablility insurance, and make myself feel safe. Having the just in case things taken care of I would move onto more pressing needs.

3. MORTGAGE FREE. A little earlier than is currently planned. RRSPs maxed.

4. A few minor renovations: a laundry room off of the back porch, a slightly enlarged kitchen. And moving onto the fun stuff:

5. Vacation property. A small property with some sort of shack that we can work to make cosy. Not too far from home, we'd like to be able to travel there often and easily.

6. A trip to Arizona for the month of February to visit with my parents and see the Grand Canyon. With, of course, a side trip to Disneyland so that we can cross it off of the kids' must do list.

7. Investment in Carlos and Isabelle's Caribbean Cabana project in Belize. Steve and Avery dream about Belize and harass me about Belize and plot about how they are going to get back to Belize.

8. Hire a housekeeper. For a brief period when I went back to work after Avery was born I hired a university student to clean our house every two weeks. She cleaned the bathroom, washed the floors, dusted, and a few other odd things around our house (once I even had her clean out the fridge!). It was so nice to have someone else taking care of those things so that I could concentrate on other projects. But the expense was not justifiable while I was on maternity leave with Ruby and I've managed to keep things mostly under control since. Still, I'd like to have some of that time I spend cleaning to do more important things, like blog.

9. All of Steve`s work clothes which I currently launder and iron will go back to the launderer. I HATE ironing and it`s entirely possible that he hates it more than I do. I have been doing it because he won`t and is quite willing to pay someone else to. Since Ruby was born, it was another task I took on to save money and one that I have again managed to keep under control. Still it would be nice to not HAVE to do it.

10. School. I dream of school. Of more school. Of course, I would want to wait just a little, maybe until after Ruby is in Kindergarten so that my schooling does not interfere much with the time I get to spend with my children.

11. I need to see my friend Ryan. It helps that he lives in Spain. Europe, here I come!

Wow. $3.8 million is not going to go very far. I may really need that lawyer and a financial advisor.

Would I keep working? Yes, but I would go casual and choose the shifts that are easiest for me and my family.

What would you do?