motherhood

I can barely hang onto a solid thought these days. The demands of family and the demands of work have me stretched beyond capacity. I desperately try to rein it in. I start a hundred posts for this space in my head each day, posts which drown in the eddies of my brain. I want so desperately to write. To save our stories for the days when I will no longer remember them, or no longer be able to share them. But the stories are getting muddled in the day to day effort of survival.

I am starting to see spaces of time that are mine and mine alone and I mean to fill them with written words, painted pictures, photographs, knitted comforts, yoga, long walks and book after book. But I find myself guilted into folding another load of laundry, running another errand, tidying another bedroom. Self-induced guilt can be a powerful motivator.

And still, I am seeing beautiful in my life in so many ways. A beautiful note, clean babies (who aren't really babies anymore), a fresh loaf of bread, clean sheets, temperatures that are creeping towards the melting line, uninterrupted conversation with my favourite person, a little bitty red computer that holds my words and keeps my thoughts, ballerinas, thoughts of a new nephew, dreams of the Louvre, a song that I shazamed (that's a verb, right?) and giggled to discover was a new Ryan Adams (of course), Despicable Me, my favourite new album (which isn't so new), an ever so perfect wedding dress on my beautiful (soon to be) sister in law, and my (almost always) happy children. I have been blessed with the sight of the beauty around me.

I dream of Paris, of Barcelona, of home spun music, of a finished novel, of waking naturally, of downward facing dog and a child's pose. I think of walking through forests and up mountains and along rivers. I dream of the warmth of summer. I think of my bike locked in the shed, almost made inaccessible by the piles of snow which are hanging on and on and on. I dream of flying down the road, miles behind me, miles ahead.

My youngest wants to be a mom, she says so all the time. I mean to be flattered by her ambition, it's what I am, it's what I do. But somehow I want her to see all that she will give up to be a mom without letting her think I have regrets. I don't. I imagine I might have been a wiser parent if I had been older. I may have had more adventures with less guilt about the time I spend away from them in my dreams. But I don't have regret. For they are each beautiful, perfect, whole people and I am so lucky to call them mine.

more favorite links

So yesterday I was a bit distracted by my (ahem) husband and lovely afternnon light and the quiet of no children under foot, or on laps. Today I'm going to do my best to focus on linking my little bitty blogosphere of six (mostly lurkers at that!) to the rest of the best of my blogroll.

Many months ago I happened to "meet" Angry African. This is one of those odd blogs where I can't figure out exactly how I came to him. He doesn't seem to be connected to any of my other favorite bloggers and whenever I comment about his blog he stops by mine...thanks man! His lovely and rather lucky girl blogs here, but not often. Seems AA is the ranter in their household and A Broader View is the more subtle, more grounded member. They have two daughters and if I knew where they lived I would totally stalk them. They are my kind of people and I would definately befriend (or stalk) them. That's probably why they never use their names or pass around their address...

And then there is a whole group that is somehow connected, but my apologies, I just don't remember which came first...or how. But here they are:
Sean of Backpacking Dad who I voted for in the hot blogger contest and now he's on an actual calendar (a hot blogger calendar, I know, I am a little shocked myself...not that he won, just that such a calendar exists). And I voted for him even though Jamie Oliver and Wil Wheaton were both nominated (I could care less about Wil actually except that Sean's wife has some sort of thing for him and if your own wife is considering voting for another nominee, you may actually be in trouble).
Tanis of Redneck Mommy , who I could stalk since she lives in this same god-forsaken (read: damn cold) province that I do. She's funny and beautiful and the same age as me ;-) She went through some serious foster care/ adoption stuff in 2008 and has blogged about this experience. I cried. Which I rarely do these days. Please check her out and leave her supportive comments.
Miss Britt is funny. And even better, she has a podcast that I subscribe to called "Clearly You're Retarded" in which she and her friend Adam Avitable (who also blogs but I don't actually follow) discuss some pretty serious issues and Britt ends up yelling at Avitable a lot. 'Cause cleary, he's retarded.
Jenny, the bloggess, keeps me in stitches. I have never opened her blog without laughing. But be forewarned, her humour is not for everyone and it's definately not child friendly, so if you have say an eight year old in the near vicinity, it's probably not a good idea to open her page.
Oh Amanda has the privelege of being the first blog I ever followed and commented on who sent me an email in response. Ah, instant gratification and I was in love. She's the mom of two little ones too, and they keep her on her toes. But the thing I love about Amanda most is that she is a huge fan of So You Think You Can Dance and even better Pushing Daisies (which is still my favorite tv show, even though it's been cancelled).
Tanya, at Chicky Chicky Baby is struggling with post partum depression and the balancing act that is parenting. I have been there and come out on the other side. So I feel strangely connected to this woman, who needs all the extra love she can get right now.
And last but certainly not least is Weasel Momma, over at World Of Weasels is the mom of five children who's husband lost his job during this time of economic downturn. I have never come across such a positive attitude about life and it's ebbs and flows as from this woman, and she's damn funny to boot.

Enjoy. That's less than half of them, but it'll take you days to get through it as it is. Welcome to my internet world.

The New Year Post

By now most bloggers have written posts about their New Year resolutions or a reflection of the year gone by. I am a bit remiss in this way. I would like instead to comment about some of the blogs that I am following and attempt to link them to mine. In 2008, I was following only a few blogs to begin with and then soon discovering many fellow bloggers, each linking one to another until suddenly there are well over 50 on my feedburner. Keeping up with them has somedays been a challenge, or at the very least time consuming. Not all post everyday, in fact most are only posting two or three times per week but still, it's a lot of reading. I fear I am becoming a lurker. I am commenting now, only about 5% of the time. Which is really annoying. Not to me of course but to the person posting. Receiving comments is great encouragement, if a blogger didn't want comments, they would write in a journal, not online.

The idea of blogging came to me first from my cousin Lisa, who was using her blog to keep her children's extended family in the loop. She has since decided to write in a less public forum. I was encouraged further by my friend, Nikki, who always has interesting points to make and none of them related to child-rearing which I enjoy and appreciate. And then Kate who lives in Dorchester and who we only have the pleasure of seeing every couple of years, started to blog about her adventures in parenting which mirror mine in many ways because my little girls are very close in age to her little boys. I had never really felt I knew her well, until she started this page. For those of you who don't know, Kate is also becoming a quite adept photographer and she posts here photos here. Kate connected me with a couple of amazing bloggers, Sarah at handmade homeschool, and author, Dale McGowan of parenting beyond belief. Through Dale's blog I came across his banner artist, Glendon Mellow at the flying trilobite.

And then my lovely midwife sent me a link to an eBay ad. It was intended to cheer me up and cheer me up it did, leading me to Dawn who keeps me laughing out loud. Sometimes rolling on the floor laughing out loud. She's that funny. Seriously, six kids, the eldest of whom is fourteen. Their antics keep me in stitches and give me insight to what I have to look forward to minus a couple of kids because YES, we are done procreating.

Dawn attended a BlogHer conference a few months back which ended up linking me to a number of other amazing bloggers. First, Jen who is in the process of the biggest move of her life: to the jungles of Belize with a preschooler in tow. It helps that she works in a homeless shelter and blogs about social justice. I might have a little crush on her. Jen led me to this woman, who's take on things is just enough different that she keeps me hooked, absolutely and totally.

Somehow from there I ran across a few others but I am anxious to see if my links will actually be functional. So you'll have to wait for my next post. Plus, Ruby is sleeping and the other kids are at a birthday party so I am looking forward to a few quality moments with my husband IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON!!