This turned into a louder post than I intended.

I've been in blogland now for just over a year. I started writing for myself and to find some feedback on some the craziness that exists in my head. It didn't quite work out the way I had hoped it would.

Apparently, I come from a family which is big on playacting: pretending that everything is perfect, being nice to everyone in all situations and avoiding controversial topics. I had an inkling of this before I started blogging but my blog managed to clarify it quite clearly for me. Now I have a relative who refuses to allow me anywhere near him or his home and another who is not speaking to me and worse, has abandoned her relationship with my children, missing both Christmas and Zoe's birthday. I earned it, I guess. But my children did not. And don't think for a second that my children did not notice. The bigger problem is how it affects the rest of my immediate family and my extended family. So now I'm in a position where I may have to am going to apologise for things I am not sorry about. I am sorry about how my words made the recipients feel, but I am not sorry for holding the opinions that I do/did. Since I have never subscribed to the "live your life as a lie to make everyone around you happy game", the whole process has been a new challenge for me. I have been working really hard to see and more importantly feel the other side. I have been trying to imagine what life experiences those people have had that have made them feel so strongly about an issue that they are willing to discard children they once claimed to love.

I have been attempting to compose something resembling an apology but I always walk away mad. I am not the only one in the wrong. I feel comfortable holding different opinions than other people and still respecting, loving and maintaining a relationship with them. However, the other parties apparently do not feel the same way. Not holding the same opinion makes me stupid, naive and not better than a pedophile. Worse, both people have taken it upon themselves to discuss the details with the rest of our extended family, going so far as to send them email to be certain that our family takes their side. I'm shaking just thinking about it. I am still not ready to apologise and after writing this I am beginning to think that perhaps my children will be better off not knowing these people for whom anger and personal insult trump love.

It's damn cold here and we are housebound today. My mood because of these circumstances is clearly apparent in this post. My mood, however sour, may have changed the way I write about this situation but it does not change the fact that some if not all of it needed to be said.