Why?

Heavy eyes. Lids strain against last night's drug induced sleep. Nyquil. So I could rest and feel better. And yes, I feel better, if only I could keep these heavy eyes open. Naptime can't come soon enough.

I work, I sleep, I clean, I think. My mind does circles around my body which moves slow and steady to accomplish the tasks set out for each day. My mind wonders: why, why, why? What for, what for, what for? In each task I want to attach a goal, a reason, a need to accomplish.

I talk myself into cleaning with goal oriented tasks. I wash the floors to keep us healthy. We put things away in their places so we will know where to find them when we need them next and not have to spend our time searching and digging.

I play with my children, knowing that my first intention is to fill their heads with memories and the warmth of knowing they are loved, and also to teach them, to guide them gently. I have to remind myself that I am also playing for me, for my own memories and my own heart. It is not a selfless act this play, it is as wholly heart warming for me as for them.

I go to work, hoping to stretch my mind and hoping to improve the quality of some one's life just a little bit with my presence and the mass of information that has accumulated in my arsenal over the years. I argue with management over silly make work projects which make work but do not actually improve patient care. I hold them up to a business model and ask them to perform better. I ask them "why?" and the truth is I genuinely want to know, want to understand.

My mind is still slowed by the "feel better" medicine. It is disconcerting. Exhausting. It makes me wonder if the bears have it right, curling up in their caves for the winter and living on the stores of fat they've accumulated during the bountiful summer and fall. I need to hibernate. If only for a few days. Ah well, maybe next week.